Sleepless Insainity;

It feels like I have blogged since 1985 so I thought I’d best get my act together and pull some of my thoughts out of my mind and share them with the few people in this world that take the time to read the pointless things I have to say..
Okay, so turns out I don’t think I believe in love nor forever. Love only comes in 1 form, and that particular form only exists when your eyes are closed and your mind is dazed off in a completely different world. A world that no one else can reach and a world that reality cant touch.. This of course, is everyone’s favourite place to be. The place where absolutely anything is possible. Wouldn’t it be wonderful, if the dreams about worlds made of cotton candy and bright coloured buildings, were real. Or the dreams, where your someone completely different then you actually are in reality. Being someone else for 8 hours, might be the cause of all your self confidence, or maybe, its responsible for your lack of self confidence. Maybe dreaming is actually the cause of all the things we lack in life? Maybe, it’s the reason for peoples depression, for peoples insanity. Because, things are never EVER, as good as they seem.. or are dreamed to be.
Im going to sleep on this one,
Sweet screams.. don’t sleep to deep, you may never return. 

One million eyes;

So hear i am.. in this 'new life'.. and i love it. I dont regret letting anyone go, and i dont regret any choices made.. After all, at some point it was excatly what i wanted, and i cant take that back so i see no point in making regrets. I have nothing from my pathedic past holding me back anymore, no questions running through my thoughts. This is now MY life, rather then everyone elses. i must admitt, theres still the smartass comments made and the occasional noesy questions get asked.. but i just ignore it like they were never said.
The main thing i've learnt over TIME is youu just gotta give things TIME. And as unconvenient as that may sounds its the only way anything will ever work out.

eigroeGmcfuckme

I received an email this morning/last night from a person from my past. as i read it i got goose bumps down my entire body. The thought of not having her anymore makes me want to scream. Its just not fair, i dont think it was ment to happen this way, not so soon anyways. When someone means so much to you, how is it "fait" that they slipped away. Its not! its pure immaturity. I guess we were both way to alike, and the main thing we have in common is out stubbornness. i remember we use to argue about who was more stuborn, and that itself showed how stuborn we both really were.
Sneaking out to the beach just so i could see my 'dream girl', then getting megga busted and in bulk trouble all for me. Coming over every single weekend, doing things that no one could ever compare to the things we use to get up to. Running through the cane padocks then thinking that some creepy person from like, the wrong turn, was going to come get us because we were hiding in their cane. Jumping off giant huge rocks into water that you couldnt even imagin how deep it was, then me jumping on you back having difficulity swimmingg away from whatever i thought was below us; most likly a deep sea creature. You running up my stairs with you cacky ankel, tripping half way but getting up to meet me at the top. It was like we hadnt seen eachother in 5 years, when really it was only abot 2 weeks, both having tears in our eyes nothing felt more real then you bening in my arms again. Walking to the beach late at night with your boy, you climbing up a half built house, me worried sick you were going to fall. Scabby under age rages, that always seemed fun, becase we were with eachotherr. And then there was of course the one that got cancelled soo we decided to go get pizza, staring at drunken messes out the front of the shop was enough entertainment for us. Walking all around town trying to find nice clothes for you, just because you loved fashion so much. Getting our hair done togetherr. All our future plans and dreams..
But you right, wishes dont come true.
But i must admitt, i sure as hell miss you.

From an angle.

I’ve finally realised who matters, and who doesn’t.. Funny thing is; that lines been used so many times that its getting old and worn out, but I think this time its for real. I look back on my past and the one girl that I thought was everything slipped right through my fingers without any form of difficulty. The worst thing is, I didn’t even chase after her, and to add to it, I don’t regret letting her go. My so called “best friend” is now the one person that makes me sick, and that its self has a dramatic impact on my life. Not to mention all the other people that have fucked around, fucked off or fucked up. Its really nothing but a messed up story book, the tragedies go on and on. Good news though; is that this time I think I’ve reached the ‘end of the line’.

I must admit, I miss my past more then anything else in the world. But doesn’t everyone? Because really when you think about it, your past is everything you’ve ever know. I’m scared of what’s to come in the future and what’s right in front of me, hear in my presence, that hasn’t yet became clear enough to take in. But for what its worth I may as well say, bring it on. I think I’ve faced every difficulty possible in the last year or so, and now nothing seems like ‘to much effort’, as really nothing is of any effort anymore. As doubtful as we make out life to be, we’ve really looked at it from the wrong angle. Honestly, life isn’t that bad. “You were given life because you are strong enough to live it”, and to me, that saying is so true, because we wouldn’t be hear, if we couldn’t be hear. Don’t focus on making other people happy, make yourself happy first. Don’t worry about making others proud, be proud of yourself. You don’t have to stick by a religion, you just have to believe in yourself. I have so much to say, but I can’t quite find the right words to construct a series of decent, half-understandable sentences. So until next time, JCR™.

Everything is a little crazy

I don’t think there’s any combination of words that make a suitable sentence to express how I feel right now. I think I could say sorry to about 10 different people, at least.. Idiotic actions lead to regretted mistakes, dont let the best of your heart, ever get away.

"Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be, you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"'

AMEN.

Crystal Ball.

I haven’t been blogging lately, reason being I’ve just had way to many emotions and didn’t want to 'over' vent and scare my fellow followers off. But I’m beginning to settle down and just accept this fatal thing we call reality. I guess you could say I “cleaned out my closet”, got rid of all the things I ‘didn’t need’, and gained things that were worth so much more. And just like old clothes against new clothes; you miss your old ones, but love the new ones and don’t regret throwing the old ones away. Giving them to someone else that suits them a lot better turned out to be the right decision. A few people will understand that, while others wont have the slightest idea. So to make it clearer; its easy to say, I’ve found better things, and it turned out, that the better things were always around, I’ve just paid more attention to them lately and I’ve realised their value. 


"I just need a compass and a willing accomplice. All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again. Up and down and round again, down and up and down again. Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all. Just to end up right back here on the floor. To end up right back here in on the floor. Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel. Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell. But I'm not scared at all... The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball. Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring. Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness, And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace and, I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes. Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned. But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned."

Your the swing set, im the kid that falls;

Everytime i see your smile it makes my hear beat fast. and though it's much too soon to tell, i'm hoping this will last. cause i just always wanna have you right here by my side. the future's near, but never certain. at least stay here for just tonight. i must've dont something right to deserve you in my life. i must've done something right along the way. i just can't get you off my mind, and why would i even try? even when i close my eyes, i dream about you all the time. i just always wanna have you right here by my side. the future's near, but never certain, so please stay here for just tonight. even if the moon fell down tonight, there'd be nothing to worry about at all because you make the whole world shine. as long as you're here everything will be alright.

oh yes, i know right, beautiful lyrics.. Its a shame how unrealistic they seem.
Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit.

Just keep swimming; you never know whats in the water below you.

Maybe happiness is something we can only ever peruse; maybe we can never actually have it.
Sitting in this tiny little chair, listening to “gotta have you” by the weepies; its got me thinking about life and the great things that are said to come with it. Im almost certain that every brochure of life contains some form of happiness, but I think in my life, all the happiness is sucked away by the ‘fine print’. You see life is sold to us with bright colours, persuading words and promises. The bad things in life are contained in the fine print, the print no one really takes the time to read, but you see, this is the most important thing in life. These are the things, most don’t understand, there the hardest to comprehend… the bad things rarely make sense, so there usually the things we try our very best to avoid. But I guess, if the bad things is what life is, we cant really circumvent it, as such. Yet, I think the things that cause pain should have bright red “CAUTION” signs all over them; that way people wouldn’t find the need to give up. This way, I guess everything would be perfect.. but maybe that’s what we avoid? Perfection. Maybe if everything was perfect there’d be no point for anything. Because when you think about it, our communities are built off drama, conflict, bitching.. if we didn’t have it, maybe we wouldn’t have life? Its all built around the lessons, the regrets.. If we didn’t have It, maybe we wouldn’t have anything.


“You don’t know what you’ve got, till its gone”


It is so hard when certain people stop you from getting what you want, they don’t intentionally stop you, but there the reason you stop yourself, because you know it’ll hurt them. I am constantly trying to protect everyon else around me, but i never seem to protect myself.

Ahh I don’t even know anymore.. I’ve had enough venting for now.



"if i find my way, through the darkest of days, will i laugh about the things that kept me awake?"

Imbrace the greatness.

So, imagin it; nice soul music, a cheap but pleasent meal, along side a perfect couple.

Yes, i just finished work.

In some aspects work actually makes me happy. The way the restaurant fills with the smell of 'old people' on fridays, that sent that reminds you of certain special people that have been there your entire life, in my case my pop. I miss him, more then words could ever describe, and seeing the old folks smiling faces as i serve theire needs, it truly does fill my heart with contentment. Seeing all the love that doesnt look a day old, the laugher; all the joy, its beautiful. They sway side to side to 'stand by me' as i try to get gravy spills off the tables and just seeing them, so deep in eachothers eyes, its incredible. So there i was, trying to control a little boy that took the lid off the pepper shaker and was throwing the pepper around everywhere, while the love was still getting shown on the dance floor. Before i knew it i had the little boy throwing his arms each side of him, yelling in my face "COOK ME DINNER!" absolutely shocked i replied in an intimidated tone"okay", as quickly as i could! he then came into the kitchen! so, i gave him a bright red napkin, thinking "yes, this is sure to work, all little boys like colourful things", yes i was very correct, it worked, it kept him very entertained, by ripping it up into tiny little pieces and throwing it everywhere like snow! by now, i think steam would have been puffing out of each ear! but one slight glance to my right and i had my smile back on my face. I dont know why these strangers had such a great effect on me, i just think there brillant. When you think about it, there our past, our history. some of the people could have fought for our land, or served a ruler of time, it truly is astonishing. Another thing that made my night, is one of the old gents commented "its good to see theres still cacky handed people out there", i smiled and said "thats what mummy calls me" he smiled and said "do the world proud sweetheart, you'll go far", it honestly gave me goose bumps from the tips of my fingers to the very ends of my toes, i was speachless, all i could do was smile. And then of course 'brown eyed girl' by van morrison came on, which of course, once again, my pop use to sing to me..

Lets conclude it here before i get upset, but it surly was a nice evening.

Turn back time

Each night, I pray for things to go back to the way they once were. I miss the times, where there wasn’t a worry in the world, not one lack of confidence, because I knew who I was, and that is all that mattered. Im starting to figure out what really matters and who will honestly always stand by my side. It’s come to my understanding, that there is 4 people that have created the best of my memories. If I could turn back time, I’d do it all again, exactly the same. Because in the end, at some point everything was exactly the way you wanted, and if it wasn't, I learnt new things.

ASD "Captain and his ship, if you go down, i go down too"
SGS “Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone."
BLP “and even when the world stops spinning, and the sun doesn’t rise, I promise, I’ll always be by your side”
KRD “please tell me darling, why your so far away, when I need you, beside me, tonight”


Please turn back the time, so I can do it all again, with those four girls, that will always remain my best friends. Every one makes decisions that aren’t always the smartest, the wisest.. There not always the brightest. We all go down roads that we never thought we would, and some times we make choices we still cant find reason, to why we did a particular thing. But they say “never make regrets, because at one point, everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be” and that’s so true, because why do something, if you genuinely know, it’s not the right choice. And nowadays, I look back at all them memories, and its clear to me, I don’t regret one thing. I wish that time would just slow down, and rewind. 

Did you know you have a special way of turning around my terrible days? You make all the bad things go away, the second that you say… hello. It's the way that you talk, that you laugh, that you smile. If beauty was inches you'd go on for miles. It's the way that you make everything seem worth while the second that you say… hello. It's the way every love song reminds me of you. Along with the stars and the sunset here too. It's the way that you make the sky seem more blue, the second that you say ..hello. So if love is a drug then i guess i'm addicted. All i want is to have yours. It's making my heart sick. Goodbye is what broke it and you were what fixed it, the second that you said… hello.

I’ve been waiting for so long, for these words to come out, its practically all I’ve been thinking about, so thank you for finding the words I couldn’t find on my own, now im not alone.

Miss Literate;

When your heart is getting heavy and your eyes are tearing up, and you think there's nothing left for you to love, maybe think about the story about the spider and the raindrops.. Where would the spider be if he gave up?

I've done my research. Turns out, theres 14 meanings to define what love is, and thats only the nouns, theres also 14 verbs.. yet, whos to say love even exists. I guess its another one of those things that you believe, 'just beacuse'. Its just another one of those things that you just have to be optimistic about. On the other hand, loyalty is a completely different story. Seems to be only 3 deffinitions, does this mean its less promising? Maybe its another one of those things, you just have to get your head around and believe, just because. And then of course theres faith, which seems to be alot more assuring with a total of 8 descriptions. 3 words; all being so different, but so similar in the one aspect, which of course, is truth. If you dont have truth, honesty, whats the point, of anything really.

Take me away, i need the sand and the waves, the sunset, and lets not forget them warm autum days. I just need to get out of here. Theres got to be, something else out there for me, i could feel it in my heart, the day i started to dream. Theres more then this mid western town, i cant let this place keep me down.

Stay true, to you.

Maybe i could fly away; to a better place. Or maybe im seeing things from the wrong perspective; maybe this really is a great place, im just not seeing the good in the bad.

This life, is just a figment of my imagaination. But i wont give up.

I've sat here in front of the computer for about the last hour, thinking of what emotions are worth to express. I think, I just don’t want to think, about anything really, especially relating to her. But it seems as though she wont leave me in peace, is like her revenge isn’t good enough, the situations we've both been through isn’t an even battle, she’s constantly on my back. She honestly makes me want to jump off a bridge, but not in a digressional way, but as a way to escape her brutal words. She’s the one that makes me want to leave this world, just for a short period, because maybe by the time i return, she would've gone back to where ever she came from, which would honestly be a great thing. I’m so against arguing, curtly, abuse, bullying.. This is killing me, She honestly makes me so, ahh!

I truly believe she’s here to make the small amount of self-esteem I have, go through the floor, its almost as if she was put here, to take me away. When I think about it, which seems to be always, it makes me think, she’s the reason I cant sleep most nights. And that sounds like the beginning of a love story, but its the complete opposite, she makes me not want to close my eyes, not because I miss her by my side, but because she haunts my thoughts, takes away my pride.

She was that girl, that just her smile, made everythingfeel worth it. The level of respect i felt for her, was crazy.. Now, I am just disappointed, and what hurts the most, is the fact that I’ve lowered to her level, its just not me. The worst thing about it, is the fact I’ve chosen her as a topic to discuss with the world, but I just cant help it, this feeling, I cant obtain any longer, I cant keep it hidden away in my chest, the pounding she creates; I just can handle it anymore. Its gotten to the stage, where im concerned that my ribs wont be able to support this throbbing for much longer. I don’t know who I am anymore, everything that I thought made me ‘me’, is slowly slipping away, which is horrible, because once its all gone, you really do have nothing.

But that brings me to my next topic; about not needing anyone, not wanting anything.. just being happy with life in general. No cherries required, no kiss on the cheek, just being in the existence of this world, it’s a great feeling. I like finding those lines, that are there to be crossed, and walking past those people, with that incredible smile, that they share with the world, day in, day out. The ones you walk past in the mall, and they smile at you like you’ve known each other you entire life. Those kind of people, make you have some form of faith, some sort of belief, that everything happens for a reason.

In the end,
I refuse to let the past detract me from greatness. There's a pack of wolves biting at my ankles, but i haven't stopped running yet.

Things really do, never change.

Jeremy Ashida - Things Never Change
Todays the day that I will see you fall Yet the thought remains of how I lingered along. Your telling me that there was nothing to see at all. Yet there I lay awake and sleepless at night. The push and pull it made you cross a fine line. And now your speaking out of turn when you (finally) called. If nothing else should come from you. Well I hope that you see this too. Your finding out today. That no one knows your name. No one knows your name. I'm finding out today.you're the one to blame you're the one to blame and things they never change now your're working growing big in your mind your breaking hearts and standing tall till you find you're seeing now that everything that was great will fallim in your town, yeah I miss you bit but everything you did is hard to forgetand when you think of me you know you coulda had it all and nothing else will come from you and ill be strong, ill make it through. Your finding out today. that no one knows your name. No one knows your name I'm finding out today. you're the one to blame, you're the one to blame....

Just because your privileged doesn’t make you entitled.

CYBER BULLYING!
IT KILLS Liturally.
In geelong, Victoria, 4 Girls in high school recently have committed suicide as a way to escape the brutal words of low life teenagers eating away the self esteem of their peers. Why are so many people, so low?No one has a good enough reason to bully someone so much to reach the stage of the words actually taking another life, in fact, no one has a good enough reason to bully others in the first place. What’s the point, all that it does is causes unneeded issues, it strips people of self-confidence, makes them question their worth, and is linked to depression, anxiety, insomnia and a drop in social and academic skills.Honestly, what is the world coming to? There are so many issues in the world, that just cant be comprehended, and sadly, they cant be fixed. There are people all over the world fighting for survival, fighting for rights to be accepted as a human being. There are people getting shot day in, day out. People starving, until all that’s left of them is their bones. Children with no parents, no one to look after them, care for them, or even love them. Yet, so many people, still find the urge to bully, I just don’t understand. It is almost as if the world isn’t messed up enough, its like they need to make someone feel that little less good about themselves. People bully other people to make the victim’s hopes drop, in an attempt to make their own self-esteem rise. Calling people names, threatening them, abusing them or even stalking them, why is it needed in this world? Calling someone a fat whale, a coward, a pig; it doesn’t prove anything. The victim most likely already has self-esteem issues, why push and push to make it worse.Cyber bullying is lower then face-to-face bullying. If you’re going to attempt to bully an innocent soul, why not do it face-to-face, have the nerve, the guts. Don’t be so low, low enough to hop on your computer, or grab your phone, and decide to make someone’s life that little bit less enjoyable.Wake up to yourself,What are you trying to prove.Ps: no, I’m not currently being bullied, but I have strong opinions on life, and the tragedy that’s recently occurred in Victoria really makes you realise, that’s its not worth it. When I see what goes on at my school, it really does make you realise, its happening all over the world, you never know who could be next.Don’t take another person’s life; they have just as much right to be here, as you do.Every 18 minutes somebody die from a suicide, Every 43 seconds somebody attempts one.Save Their Souls, before its to late.

Where each road takes us;

Today, was a great day. Lately i've been having some issues with life, trying to work out whats worth it, whos worth it, and what roads i want to take. I got to the point, where i just didnt care any more, about anything really.. butt today i set goals, in which im going to try my best to strive towards and achieve. Playing games, not caring, doing whatever you please; its all great, but in the end, the time you waste, you can never replace. I'm going to make something out of this hardship, i'll do what it takes, and fix what breaks.. Because in the end, i know it'll be worth it.

To make this blog page, it took alottaa brain strength. Shout out to my amazing josiee, for helping me :)
comee follow me, i'll try to post as often as possible. <3